


Living with a Witch

by Coreychick



Category: Immortals After Dark - Kresley Cole
Genre: F/M, Lifewithawitch, Not really though, smurf porn mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:15:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29922948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coreychick/pseuds/Coreychick
Summary: One shot. Just a snippet in the life of Malkom- from his POV, living with Carrow and Ruby. No- smut in this one, just a short, hopefully funny scenario. Complete.
Relationships: Malkom and Carrow





	Living with a Witch

_BANG BANG BANG!_

Malkom woke to the sound of angry pounding at his front door. Carrow stirred in the bed beside him, but made no move to wake. He braced himself to trace downstairs, but figured he should probably cover his naked body first. He quickly scanned the room for any sign of his pants, but found none. A lacy bra hung on the back of the bathroom door knob. A sheer pair of panties dangled precariously from the lampshade. Various female shoes lay scattered about the room, joining piles of clothes. What the exact purpose of these piles were- Malkom had yet to figure out; but Carrow had insisted that she "had a system" for dirty laundry.

Malkom spied a pair of his pants peeking out from under the corner of the bed. He snatched them up and quickly speared his legs into the pants zipping the fly as he traced. It grated his nerves terribly that their home was fortified in such a way that allowed potential enemies to get so close, but he trusted his witch's protection spells to hold true. Also, he figured an enemy would not be announcing their arrival by banging on the door first. Nevertheless, it still disturbed him. Malkom swung open the door, barely keeping it on his hinges. He was surprised to see….little men?

He quirked an eyebrow, waiting for the group to state their business but they only stared up at him, mouths agape. "WHAT?" he said with a disgruntled bark.

The group of little men jumped back a step, their necks still craning upward to meet Malkom's gaze- their difference in height considerable. The bravest one stepped forward at the elbow nudging of the others and stated that he was not satisfied with the services he had paid for from Carrow and that he demanded a refund and an apology. Malkom knew, no matter the circumstances, these men would find neither here.

He did not know what service these little men had paid for, but it would not be the first time his witch had received an unhappy customer. How could he blame them? His wife had a special ability to profit from other people's stupidity. _Serves them right._

Malkom wondered if he should just unburden these little men of their naivety? He could do them a favor by plucking off their little heads like grapes from the vine. Though, not menacing enough creatures to serve as warnings on pikes, they would provide decent fertilization for the garden. He still marveled at how easily vegetation grew in this green land.

_Wait. Didn’'t Carrow ask me not to decapitate potential clients without first letting her hear their complaints?_

He wondered if she would still feel that way if it interrupted her sleep? His witch did love her sleep. Deciding that the little men posed no physical threat, he asked them to wait in the room with the t.v. while he traced to his wife.

A few minutes later Carrow made her way downstairs and was discussing the service she had provided for the little men. They had strange names, though the one little man did seem grumpy. He gave them a look of warning before leaving the room. Though these men were obviously no match for his wife's power, he would not tolerate them disrespecting her in their home.

Malkom entered the kitchen, remaining close enough to hear the conversation. He walked over to the little black machine that his wife worshipped in the mornings and pushed the "on" button. The clear container below began to fill with the dark brown liquid she liked to drink.

What were they saying in the other room? "Smurf porn"? Malkom had never heard the term before. He inhaled and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Carrow, his loving wife- knowing how much it bothered him to feel ignorant of things in this world- had shown him how to talk to a witch named "Siri". She communicated through his phone and could often answer many of his questions.

"Siri, what are smurfs?" Siri's voice came over the phone, " Smurfs are a colony of small, blue, human-like creatures who live in mushroom-shaped houses in the forest. Females are very uncommon in their species, with only one known natural female existing."

Siri's description sounded accurate enough. Everything but the "blue" part. Perhaps they turn blue at certain times? Rydstrom was known to turn red in instances of rage. So the little men had seeked Carrow's assistance in acquiring another female for their colony? He could understand. Only one female for an entire colony of men? How could they possibly hope to reproduce at that rate?

Malkom listened intently, hearing the name Regin come up in the conversation. He had met the female named Regin once before and had even remembered Carrow mentioning that she was the last of her kind. Though she did not compare to his wife's beauty and talent, many men would find her attractive and fit for reproducing. These men should be thankful that Carrow has found them such a female! What's their complaint!? That she is not blue? Malkom's anger was beginning to simmer. He stuck his head around the corner and shot daggers with his eyes. These little men were being ungrateful when they should be thanking the witch. He waited for the signal to decapitate, but Carrow waved him off. Returning to lean on the counter, Malkom waited for the pot of liquid to stop dripping and pulled down a cup from the cupboard. It read "Witch better have my coffee".

Ruby padded into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and plopped down at the table. Malkom was already grabbing her a bowl and the box of fruity pebbles she seemed to enjoy so much. He ruffled her messy head of hair and said "Good morning." She mumbled something only slightly coherent, still half asleep that sounded like the same. She poured her bowl and began to eat the odd looking cereal while seemingly transfixed by the pictures on the box.

The voices in the other room were elevating. The situation was escalating quickly. _Decision made. Breakfast is going to be fruity pebbles with a side of decapitation._ Malkom started for the front room, when Ruby asked, "Who is in there with Crow?" Malkom told her, "smurfs". "Smurfs?" Ruby said disbelieving.

"Yes. Do you know of this species?"

"Smurfs aren't real, they're made up cartoons!" she said with a giggle.

"Cartoons? Like the ones you watch on the t.v.?"

"Yep!"

"Are you sure?"

Ruby looked exacerbated, and held out her hand for Malkom's phone. They often went through this routine when Ruby was teaching Malkom something new. Her thumbs entered a sequence into the phone and she held up the screen to reveal a picture of blue cartoon creatures. _A child's entertainment!_

So this is why the little men were upset. Carrow was equating their sexual prowess to a children's show. It was probably true. He didn't imagine it would be easy for them to provide for a female. But, the point was, she did find them a willing female! As far as he was concerned, she performed her service expertly. Just as he was about to stomp over and tell them so, Carrow threatened “If you don’t leave now, Malkom will have your heads for breakfast!” , and they scattered. He was happy to assist her in this way, although the idea of eating these men was disgusting. They were not suitable for eating, no matter their size.


End file.
